I Do Not, I Really, Really Don’t!
by Mistaken4
Summary: Mrs. Stebel’s 7th grade pretend marriage assignment comes to life. Pure nonsense and possibly some laughs. Most people will have a better time reading this then having a root canal.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Remember the LM episode entitled "I Do, I Don't"? That was the episode that dealt with Mrs. Stebel's 7th grade pretend marriage assignment. Did you ever wonder what the future would have been like in Lizzie world if everyone actually did end up marrying his or hers 'designated spouse' from said assignment? What if they also ended up with their assigned occupations? Let's look ahead at the gang 20 years in the future. They might even have some sort of reunion.

I've had this twisted idea bouncing around in my head for a long time. Now that I've finally gotten around to writing it down I hope I can do it justice.

**Disclaimer: **Disney's property, my foolishness, and I really wish we could see Lalaine on television again. She should have her own series and I think it should be near a beach.

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**I Do Not! I Really, Really Don't! **

Chapter 1

The metallic blue Ford Explorer, with a beige leather interior and vanity plates reading 'MRS DR', screeched to a stop in one of the few remaining parking spaces behind the Hillridge County Courthouse. The woman driving the SUV had been here before, too many times in fact. What does it say about your life when your husband being sued for medical malpractice due to incompetence is a common occurrence?

Miranda Craft (she no longer found the moniker 'Mrs. Dr. Ethan Craft' even remotely amusing) climbed out of the SUV and quickly locked the rig via her key ring remote. She wasn't too thrilled with the parking spot she ended up with, way back here in the corner of the lot near the courthouse dumpsters, but there were few other options. Miranda chuckled quietly to herself about the lettering on the large trash bins, which read; "_Gordo's Waste and Recycling: Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Trash Back"_

As Miranda walked around the courthouse to the building's main entrance, she happened to notice that both her husband's and his attorney's cars were already parked in the lot. Seeing this, she picked up her pace a little hoping that she wasn't already late. Miranda also noted that her doofus husband had once again parked in a handicap parking space. _Oh well_, _what's a measly 200 dollar parking ticket when you're already being sued for_ _over a quarter of a million?  
_

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Miranda Sanchez had married Ethan Craft, Hillridge High Schools resident hunk, star quarterback and all around remedial academic after the two of them graduated from college. That's right. Ethan actually attended and graduated from an accredited college. Well sort of accredited anyway. After receiving rejection letter upon rejection letter from highly regarded schools including USC, UCLA, Stanford and Bowling Green University, Ethan was finally accepted to Bowling Pin University on a full ride football scholarship. Ethan led the Bowling Pin _Gutter Balls _to three straight bowl games including a victory over arch rival Texas Hold'em State in the prestigious Purina Catnip Bowl.

While Ethan was off being the BMOC football star, Miranda stayed at home attending Hillridge Community College studying to be a cruise ship singer, a concert violinist, and of course a homemaker. Miranda wrote or E-Mailed Ethan each and everyday that he was away, keeping him up to date on the many happenings of Hillridge. When Ethan finally graduated the two were married, but not before Ethan had broken some very big news to Miranda.

It seems Ethan had developed an interest in medicine during his football years, while helping several of his teammates ice their bruised bodies. In a truly remarkable twist of fate, simpleton Ethan had somehow been accepted to attend medical school! So the newlyweds relocated to Billings, Montana. It was there in beautiful _Big Sky_ country that Ethan attended The Montana School of Auto Body, Plumbing and Internal Medicine. In a mere sixteen months Ethan graduated from MSABPIM with an MD and a minor in Kitchens & Baths.

The couple then moved back to Hillridge where Ethan began his residency working at Hillridge General Hospital. Ethan truly started at the bottom. His first responsibilities as a staff physician included moping the OR floor and restocking surgical supplies. Still not the brightest bulb on the tree, Ethan didn't mind doing these tasks at all. He was just glad to finally be doing some real "docta' stuff".

Over the next few years Ethan gradually moved up the ladder and became a general practitioner. Then one day, while looking over the shoulder of a colleague who was reading an MRI, Ethan saw the photographic image of a gall bladder. It was love at first sight! Ethan now realized his true calling was to become a surgeon, where he could see gall bladders and appendixes and all those "coolie organ thingies" up close.

So back to school our hero went. By this time Ethan and Miranda had two girls, Gwyneth and Brittany. Money was a little tight with Ethan back in school, but the couple made do. Miranda found part time work at _Burger Buddy_ providing entertainment as a strolling violinist. She also lurked about the docks and piers down at the waterfront each night, occasionally finding a fill-in vocalist position on some seedy cruise ship.

Finally, after another year and a half of schooling and upon completing a second residency at Hillridge General, Dr. Ethan Craft was a surgeon. In no time at all Ethan was ranked among the top 550 surgeons in Hillridge County. Ethan's specialty was operating on "big things" because "they're easier to get at".

As time went on, Ethan gradually switched his practice to cosmetic surgery. Ethan believed his 'skills' were more needed in this area after coming to the realization that not everyone was as good looking as he was. (Or at least as good looking as he thought he was.) Besides, why should a successful doctor spend all of his time around sick people? Ethan found doing "enhancements" on attractive women much more to his liking.

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When Miranda reached the magnificent marble front steps of the courthouse she found, to no great surprise, a media circus. Ethan's trials and tribulations as a surgeon of questionable ability were well documented throughout the suburban community of Hillridge and beyond. It actually would have been surprising if the media hadn't shown. As it was reporters and mini-cams from the four network affiliates as well as a crew from CNN were on hand.

Miranda turned away and tried to shield her profile when a reporter from one of the local stations looked her way. But it was too late; she'd already been spotted. Kate Sanders-Tudgeman, lead anchorwoman at Channel 3 and rising national media diva, had been subtly lying low, anticipating Miranda's arrival.

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Miranda and Kate had a turbulent history that dated back to their days at Hillridge Middle School. From 7th grade on the two had been bitter rivals. Well 'rivals' probably isn't the right word for it, more like cutthroat adversaries. All through middle school and later in high school the two had fought over everything from guys (Ethan) to fashion trends (just who did buy that orange skirt first?) to social status (cheerleader or not?). And now, even as adults, their relationship was still caustic. To compound matters, in what was still unknown to Miranda, Kate had her eyes once again set on Ethan. But could you really blame her? Kate had been married to Larry Tudgeman for over twelve years. After that long of a time with the 'Tudge' you'd probably be considering adultery yourself.

So just how did Miss Popularity, Kate Sanders, come to marry Larry 'Least Likely to Shower Regularly', Tudgeman? As they say all marriages are made in heaven. Well in this case that means heaven can sometimes be a drunken stupor. It may have been heaven for Larry, not so much for Kate.

After graduating from high school both Kate and Larry ended up attending Thousand Island/Creamy Ranch State College right in their hometown of Hillridge. Larry, who at one time hoped to pursue a career in the sciences, at the last minute decided against going to MIT and enrolled in TICRS's hardly regarded postal workers independent study program. Kate, following her large ego, took up broadcast journalism. As it turned out the two of them were the only Hillridge grads from their class to stay home and attend TICRS. This small coincidence in due time led to a most unfortunate event.

While in college, not surprisingly, 'The Tudge' pledged a fraternity within the geek, er ... rather Greek system. (Specifically dTp, which may translate to JEDI but could just as easily mean DWEEB) On the night of his senior year's frat house mixer, Larry, and a 'surprised to find him there' visitor named Kate Sanders, downed several rounds of rum and cokes long after the final keg was empty. One thing lead to another and without getting too graphic here, (after all LM was at least intended to be a children's show and we are talking about Tudgeman here) well anyway, a few weeks later Kate found herself with a little 'Tudge' in the oven.

Larry wanted to do the right thing, which at least in his mind, was to announce this happening to the world via the Internet. What could possibly be bigger news in all of geek world then one of there own scoring with one of the popular elite? (Larry was not just a dork he was a very insensitive dork.)

Kate, for her part, was a cornucopia (good word huh?) of mixed emotions; Anger, remorse, rage, fear, disgust, depression, resentment, exasperation, fury and surprisingly delight. Delight? Yes. Kate Sanders actually, at least in a small way, liked the idea of becoming a mother. How this instinctive motherly need overcame her lifelong loathing of Larry Tudgeman is difficult to grasp. But what is known is that right after college graduation Larry and Kate were married by a Hillridge County Justice of The Peace. Larry of course wore his Star Trek Commander uniform.

Kate and Larry did indeed become parents. Six months after the couple's wedding Lisa Tudgeman arrived in this world in the usual way. Fortunately Lisa looked a lot more like Kate then Larry. But as the girl grew older it became clear she had Larry's intelligence, fortunately she disliked Star Trek with a passion. Lisa's grandmother, (Larry's mother) Ethyl Tudgeman, kept little Lisa well stocked in white blouses with green collars. Lisa ended up being Larry and Kate's only child. One child was more then enough for Kate who had ambitious career plans to pursue. Oh yeah, she also swore to never get that close to Larry again.

Kate Sanders-Tudgeman began her journalism career at a local top 40 radio station, WEBE FM (WEBE, We-Be Jamming). Being a music station WEBE had a very small news budget. Kate was essentially a one-person news department. She excelled at her job and quickly became known around town as a hard working, if not overbearingly rude, reporter who always got the story. Television offers soon followed.

After a short stay at the local CBS affiliate, Kate accepted an offer as the lead anchor at Channel 3, NBC's connection to Hillridge. Several fill-in opportunities on the "Today Show" soon followed. Kate was quickly climbing the media ladder and anyone else with their fingers on the rungs best get out of the way. About that same time dear husband Larry had just received a promotion of his own. Larry had just been given his first mail delivery route. The 'Tudge' was also on his way, no more meaningless sorting for this Dwarflord Commander.

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Kate and her crew had been lying in wait for the arrival of her childhood 'friends' Ethan and Miranda since close to dawn, even though Ethan's pre-trial hearing wasn't scheduled to begin until 9:00 am. If past history meant anything it was unlikely this case would actually go to trial, Ethan's attorneys had established a reputation of reaching out of court settlements. Kate realized this morning might be her one and only opportunity to interview the principal players.

At a little after 8:00 Ethan and his attorney arrived. This presented Kate with the chance for an exclusive with the defendant. Kate was very professional throughout the Q&A even though she'd found herself with Ethan on the brain a lot during the past few weeks. Why this was she really wasn't sure herself. But after seeing him up close the attraction was as strong as ever. _Man that guy still has the hair and the body! It's about time he takes that mongrel pooch Miranda to the kennel where she belongs. Then Ethan and I can be together, just as destiny dictates all beautiful people should be!  
_

Kate also had the opportunity to speak with Ethan's lead defense council. Not at all surprisingly, she declined. You see one Elizabeth Brooke Gordon now represented Ethan. Or, as Elizabeth was better known from Kate's past, Lizzie McGuire. Just as Kate and Miranda had a history, so did Kate and Lizzie. So when Ethan and Lizzie approached the courthouse that morning, Kate quickly snagged the interview with Ethan while at the same time ignoring Lizzie with all the charm of a rattlesnake.

Kate realized that interviewing Lizzie would have forced her to acknowledge Lizzie's successful career; that wasn't going to happen. Miranda however was a different matter. Interviewing Miranda would allow Kate the opportunity to humiliate her with the details of her husband's troubles and hopefully reveal some marital problems. Oh yes, Kate was well rehearsed. So when she spotted Miranda arriving an hour later, Kate swooped in with the tenacity of another desert creature, The Black Vulture.

"Oh, hi Miranda, It's so good to see you! Do you 'spose we can do a quick interview for my viewers? They so much want to hear what you have to say!"

Miranda, wanting nothing to do with Kate in the best of times, sure wasn't about to speak with her about her husband's legal woes. Oh, yeah, then there was the part about their conversation being played back on the evening news. Not bloody likely.

"I'm sorry Kate, I'm late already, can't stop now, maybe later. Bu-Bye!"

With that Miranda raced up the steps and into the courthouse. Once inside she leaned back against the closed door and closed her eyes, wishing that this new day was already over.

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(To be continued)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Once inside the courthouse, and after taking a couple of moments to catch her breath, Miranda followed the crowd of people moving down the building's long center hallway and then to the left into Courtroom #2. In addition to the large gathering of media outside the building, the courtroom itself was packed and lined with reporters. _Great, _thought Miranda, _Now some other lowlife is gonna want a piece of me._

Miranda quickly maneuvered her way through the group of people standing in the courtroom's doorway. She then slipped, mostly unnoticed, up the east side-aisle to the first row of seats behind the defendant's table. This forward seating was typically held in reserve for family members, but with the overflow crowd here today that was no longer a given. Miranda found a seat directly in the center of the first row. The chairs in Courtroom #2 were cushioned theater style, a very comfortable place to watch ones husband being sued for a small fortune. Miranda ended up seated directly behind Ethan and just to the right and back of Lizzie. The three seats to her immediate left were filled with strangers; the three to her right were still unoccupied.

Miranda leaned across the bar and tapped Lizzie on the shoulder, "Sorry, I'm late! What are you expecting to happen here this mornin--?"

The bailiff abruptly quieted Miranda by announcing, "All rise. Hillridge County Superior Court 125B is in session, the honorable Lanny Onasis presiding."

Everyone who was seated quickly stood at attention. Judge Onasis climbed to the bench and instead of saying, "be seated" simply pounded his gavel and motioned _thumbs down_. All those present retook their seats. The judge then looked to his bailiff and appeared to communicate something by wiggling his left ear.

Again the bailiff spoke, "The first matter on the docket this morning is the pretrial hearing for the civil matter of Kessler verses Craft."

The judge now appeared to wiggle his nose.

The bailiff then turned to face the plaintiffs' and defendants' attorneys. Both lawyers rose as the bailiff spoke for a third time, "Are both parties and their representatives present this morning?"

Lizzie replied, "Elizabeth Gordon for the defense, your honor."

The plaintiff's lawyer, a single woman by the name of Angel Lieberman spoke up, "Miss Lieberman for the plaintiff, your honor. Your honor, if I may speak for a moment. Even though this is a civil case my client, Parker Kessler, would like to state beforehand that she wishes to have a jury decide this matter." Angel then hooked a thumb towards Ethan and continued, "Mrs. Kessler and myself would both like a group of her peers to see just what this major 'Double E' quack did to her! Thank you, your honor."

Judge Lanny rolled his eyes and pounded his right elbow on the bench.

His well-trained bailiff followed as if on cue, "Let's not put the cart before the horse Miss Lieberman. One of the reasons we're here is to see if a trial is necessary. So if you are finished entertaining us with your stand-up routine, will you please proceed and present the plaintiff's case."

The hearing took the rest of the morning. In comparison to previous Dr. Ethan Craft malpractice cases, this one was pretty typical. Said patient meets with Dr. Craft and discusses options. Said patient decides on, then requests said enhancements. Said doctor is dazed and confused and thus performs procedure incorrectly. Said patient is devastated with results. Said patient contacts high-dollar personal injury lawyer. Said doctor and his lawyer meet patient and her lawyer in court of law.

But, I suppose some background on this particular case is needed for our story. Once again, lets revisit some of these exciting character's school days.

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Parker McKenzie was a rather odd, opinionated, but still very attractive girl who carried a torch for one David 'Gordo' Gordon. (He the Donald Trump of garbage collecting, but we'll be getting to that soon enough.) After rejecting Gordo in eighth grade because of his diminutive stature, Parker practically overnight changed her tune and bestowed on him her undying love. Well maybe not love, but a good case of obsessive devotion. This infatuation with Gordo continued throughout Parker's high school years, abet unfulfilled.

After high school, Parker began dating and eventually married another of Hillridge's hunks of burning love, Daniel Kessler. This was a rather odd pairing to say the least. Parker was heavily into ecology, alternative energy sources and vegetarianism. Danny was heavily into pool parties, hot tubs and bikini babes. After a dozen or so years of marriage Parker could read the writing on the wall. Either firm up the old bod or Danny was going to find a new model with a lot fewer miles on it. Why she didn't just tell her extremely shallow husband to just get lost is unclear. What she did do is seek out a body re-builder by the name of Dr. Ethan Craft.

Parker had asked for it all. Lift this, tuck that, saline this, silicone that. What did she get? Well, some of the more objective opinions now identified Parker as the Michelin man's long lost twin sister. The surgery, to say the least, was not a ringing success. After several failed attempts at 'do-overs' by Dr. Ethan, Parker contacted another old friend from her school days, Angel Lieberman.

Angel was that rare lawyer who had studied law from both sides. Both sides of jail bars that is. Once a prominent juvenile delinquent, Angel was now a prominent criminal defense attorney. Angel had quite remarkably turned her life around. While serving a six year sentence, (for single-handedly beating a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang into submission) in the Hillridge County Workhouse for Women, Angel not only completed her GED but her undergraduate work as well. Then, only two years after her release, she graduated Summa cum Laude from U-Con School of Law. (Or was it from X-Con School of Law? Whatever.) Either way, after passing the bar Angel soon opened her own practice, 'L-Squared Criminal Defense'.

While criminal law was Angel's forte, this one time civil manner for Parker was simply a way to help out an old friend from school. Of course there was that 35 percent attorneys retainer on the settlement, I suppose that may have counted for something. But let's not also forget the revenge factor. As a past member of the 'Detention Gang' of Hillridge High, there had never been a lot of love lost between Angel and a popular jock named Ethan Craft. So when presented with the opportunity to take down one of Hillridge's chosen few, Angel was eager to get onboard.

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The pretrial hearing ended at 11:45 with Judge Onasis ruling that a trial should follow and that a jury trial was a reasonable request by the plaintiff. The trial, of course, could be avoided if the two parties came to a settlement agreement beforehand. But as things stood now, on Monday October 23rd, three weeks from today, Judge Onasis would hear the case of Kessler verses Craft. Oh goody and you thought this story was dull now!

After the hearing Lizzie, Ethan and Miranda gathered in the hall outside. The crowd had quickly dispersed only minutes after the session ended, everyone going their separate ways. Lizzie watched as Angel and Parker headed out the front door to face the reporters. She then turned to Miranda.

"So do you guys want to have lunch someplace? It's almost noon."

Miranda looked to Ethan for approval then answered, "Sure, we'll come. I just need to call my mom real quick. I dropped Ethan Junior off at her place on the way here, I'll have to tell her I'll be a little later in picking him up."

Ethan Junior, was Ethan and Miranda's third child, he was only three. Their two girls, Gwyneth and Brittany, were both in elementary school, Gwyneth in fifth grade, Brittany in third. Miranda was basically now a stay at home mom, but her mother helped her out with the kids at times like these. You know when she had a doctor's wife activity. Activities like; lawsuits, congressional investigations, medical licensing reviews; fun things like that.

While Miranda took a moment to call her mother on her cell, Lizzie, at the same time, used her phone to call her husband, Gordo, (a.k.a. David Gordon), (a.k.a. Gordo "The Trash King" Gordon).

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Not surprisingly, to anyone who knew them growing up, Lizzie McGuire and David Gordon were married after they finished college. Very surprisingly, to everyone who knew them growing up, Lizzie had become the one with the higher academic goals and successes.

Lizzie, often thought of as a bit of a popularity craving ditz in high school, eventually lost interest in the fluff of fashion and trends and went on to UCLA to study pre-law. After graduating near the top of her class she was rewarded with a partial scholarship to Stanford Law. She did very well there too, and ended up passing the California bar at the ripe old age of 25.

And Gordo? Well everyone knew Gordo was destined to become a great motion picture director, right? Not even close.

During his junior year of high school David's father, Howard Gordon, finally experienced his long overdue midlife crisis. In addition to having his chest hair dyed, becoming a Viagra regular, and getting several controversial tattoos, Howard, on the spur of the moment, quit his long time psychiatric practice and went into business with his no-account brother in law. What business you ask? Waste and recycling. Waste and recycling, the two perfect euphemisms for garbage collecting. But get this; their company was successful, very successful.

That success was in no small part due to Howard's son David. At the same time Howard was changing careers, Gordo was attempting to pad his already overloaded high school resume by joining the Junior Chamber of Commerce. The Jaycees requested that each new member intern at a local company. With his dad now in business for himself this created an easy opportunity for Gordo. The rest as they say is history.

Gordo found his niche in business management, even if it was a foul smelling business. By the time graduation rolled around Gordo was running his dad's company. Two years later, about the time he quit UCLA's Film Study program, _Gordo's Waste & Recycling_ had been written up in _Fortune_ and _Entrepreneur_ magazines as one of the best run businesses in America. Gordo's father, and his father's partner, had retired two very wealthy men only four years into their new enterprise. The business was now all Gordos. David Gordon, the garbage worlds answer to Bill Gates.

Gordo had quietly taken a local company and grown it into a nationwide leader. When Lizzie finished law school the two were married. At that time industry leader Waste Management was just beginning to see Gordo in their rear view mirror. Three years later, when Lizzie and David's first child, Sam, was born, Gordo had pulled even. Now, after another five years, Waste Management was going the way of the VHS tape. Gordo's company was the new number one. So superior, in fact, was Gordo's company that he now employed several of WMs former top executives.

So did all this success change the Gordons? Maybe just a little. Money certainly wasn't a problem for the young family. In addition to David's company's incredible growth, Lizzie had done very well as a trial lawyer and had recently become a full partner at the practice of Dewy, Cheatum & Howe, where her specialty was defending incompetent and corrupt big business types. The Gordons still lived in Hillridge, but they now resided on the really nice side of the tracks. Their home on Harvard Place was one of the most impressive in town, a newly constructed 3500 square foot colonial. Among their neighbors were many of Hillridge's _Movers and Shakers _including the town's newly elected mayor, her honor herself, Melina Bianco.

Outside of their home itself, Lizzie and Gordo had pretty much kept indulgences to a minimum. They did both now drive new Lexus automobiles and their kids: Sam, now a third grader and Excedrin (they called her 'Little Exee') in first, attended a private school called _The Windham Educational Experience for Stuck Up Spoiled Brats_, but other then that their lifestyle was quite modest. Lizzie and David still spent a lot of time with friends from their school days. In fact they had recently started planning a twenty-year middle school reunion.

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(To be continued)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

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The four friends followed the young hostess as she led them to a window booth in the far back corner of the restaurant. It had been a long time since they'd all gone out to eat together, even longer since any of them had been to _The_ _Holy Rigatoni._

"Hey Miranda," said Lizzie as the Crafts and Gordons were finally taking their seats. "Remember when you and I spied on Gordo and Brooke here? That was in seventh grade wasn't it?"

Upon hearing this Gordo, who had just met up with the group at _The_ _Holy Rigatoni_**,** started laughing. Miranda, starting to turn a little red from embarrassment, went ahead and answered anyway. "Don't' remind me! That was probably the lowest point of my middle school career. Heck, that may have been the lowest point of my adolescence! A seventh grade girl going into the mens room at a swanky restaurant? Was I on crack or what?"

Everyone laughed this time, everyone except Ethan that is. Ethan had been busy studying the table's salt shaker since the moment he had taken his seat.

"Hey, look everyone!" he suddenly shouted. "There's an 'S' on the top of this shaker. That's how we know there's salt inside!"

Even after knowing Ethan for all of these years there still were times when Gordo found himself astonished by his friend's complete and utter density. "Ethan," Gordo said. "The bottle of the shaker is clear glass. We can all tell it's a salt shaker simply by looking at it."

Not one to be out smarted, (How could that ever happen?) Ethan fired right back, "But what if the salt they use here isn't always white? Hmm? What then, Mr. Gor-Don?"

Gordo let it drop and went back to perusing his menu while the girls continued talking about their 'dinner date' back in junior high.

"Well as I remember, Miranda, it was your idea that we come here and spy on Gordo and Brooke's date in the first place. Why did we even want to watch them anyway? Was I jealous of Brooke or something?"

"You're half right, Lizzie, you were jealous. But the whole stupid idea to spy on them was yours! Why would I have wanted to dress up like a guy and go on a date with you?! The whole scheme was your idea because you were afraid of losing Gordo to Brooke, even though you probably didn't realize it yourself at the time. All I got out of the experience was a spaghetti sauce shower and the knowledge that girls should never use a urinal! Or even pretend to! Ewwww!"

Again the three friends laughed. Ethan was now examining the napkin holder. _Just how do they make these things come out of here one at a time? Incredible! _

Eventually a young waitress arrived to take their orders. After that the discussion got a little more serious.

Miranda nodded towards Ethan as she asked Lizzie, "So what do you think of his case? Do we have a chance if this one goes to trial?"

"I'm glad we ended up with Judge Onasis," said Lizzie. "Last year I was lucky enough to attend a lecture he gave on how outrageous some civil awards have become. Judge Onasis made some great points in his talk, he really is a brilliant speaker. I think he'll be a very fair judge for us in this case."

Hearing Lizzie say that Lanny Onasis, be he a respected judge or not, was now giving lectures caused Gordo to raise his eyebrows.

Lizzie continued to Miranda, "But that said, I'm still not really high on our chances. That Angel Lieberman is a shark! I'd much prefer to see some kind of a settlement reached beforehand. Ethan still has pretty decent malpractice insurance, I mean considering his history and all. If we can somehow get Parker to agree to a figure that's within, or at least close to, his policy's limit, maybe this wouldn't have to cost you guys much if anything."

Gordo suddenly came to, "Did I hear you say 'Parker'? You wouldn't be talking about Parker McKenzie would you? What's she got to do with Ethan?"

Lizzie rolled her eyes. "Yes it's Parker McKenzie, er ... rather Parker Kessler really. She's the plaintiff in Ethan's case. I probably should have told you that before, but I really didn't want to bring her name up and upset you."

"Why would Parker's name upset me?"

Miranda interrupted, "Because she's Parker. She's weird!"

Lizzie continued, quietly ignoring Miranda, "I don't know, I wasn't sure if hearing Parker's name would upset you or not. You know how bad she had it for you back when we were in school. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable for no reason. Besides, none of us really want to see you in cowboy boots again."

Gordo smiled, "Hearing about Parker wouldn't have upset me, but why did she file a lawsuit against Ethan? And did you call Parker, Parker Kessler? Did she end up marrying Danny? That's a little hard to believe."

As their waitress returned with everyone's drinks, Lizzie and Miranda filled Gordo in on Parker's creepy marriage to Danny Kessler and about her desire to improve her appearance. Gordo had been out of town on business and hadn't been able to attend either of their class reunions. Somehow, even in the small suburb of Hillridge, he had missed the news about Danny and Parker getting hitched.

"I'm telling you Gordo," Miranda continued after taking a larger then planned sip from her margarita, "Parker has no reason to complain about the results of her surgery. So what if she looks a little puffy around the edges and has three or four breasts? For someone as weird as Parker, it works!"

Gordo had just taken a big sip of his Heineken while Miranda was speaking. He now sprayed it all over the table while laughing.

Miranda now started to laugh herself, but she was at least able to swallow first, "Way to go Gordo! I didn't need another shower. Every time I come to this restaurant I get something hosed all over me, if it isn't spaghetti sauce it's Dutch beer! Thanks a lot Gordo! And hey, for that matter, this is nothing to laugh at. Parker is suing Ethan for upwards of a quarter of a million dollars!"

In spite of what she was saying Miranda couldn't keep from laughing a little longer herself. She then managed to quiet Gordo by threatening to pour his expensive brew over his head if he didn't shut up.

Their food was taking longer then expected to arrive so everyone went ahead and ordered another round of drinks. Everyone except Ethan that is, Dr. Ethan was at least wise enough to know he shouldn't be killing off too many brain cells. His reservoir was a little on the low side to begin with.

After another 45 minutes and two more rounds, the food still hadn't shown up. It was now almost 2 o'clock and Lizzie and Miranda were getting even more talkative from the alcohol.

"Lizze, tell me about this reunion you guys are planning. Is it really just for our middle school class, not for the whole high school class?" asked Miranda.

"Yeuup." burped Lizzie, who then started giggling uncontrollably. "It should be fun! They'll be fewer people, people whom we've known longer, and people who knew us during the most awkward stage of life there is, junior high school!"

"Oh, I'm so looking forward to that," answered Miranda sarcastically.

"What do you mean? I'm sure Larry Tudgeman will be there." Lizzie sang out, "Remember when he used your yearbook picture as a screen saver? He reeeally liked you, Miranda!"

"Yeah and who went on their very first date with him? Hmmm? As I recall it was someone with the initials of Lizzie!"

Gordo woke up again, "That's right Lizzie, I'd forgotten that. You were the Tudge's first true love. You know what they say about your first love don't you? That you never really get over them."

"That's a really strange thing for my husband of over ten years to be telling me," laughed Lizzie. "Are you encouraging me to cheat? You remember whom Larry is married to don't you? Kate! Would you want me messing around with Kate's betrothed? You know, seeing Kate get jealous over Larry might be hilarious!"

"Oh please don't bring her up," interrupted Miranda. "Kate, I mean. I just barely avoided her storm trooper interview tactics this morning. I swear that woman still acts like she's vying for head cheerleader. What a bitch, er, … witch, yeah witch … that's what I mean!"

Now everybody laughed, including Ethan, who had just placed his checkbook back on the table after spending the last five minutes attempting to balance it across his index finger. He had thought about saying, 'Look everyone I'm balancing my checkbook!' but instead thought better and decided to save this clever trick for another time when he might have a bigger audience to amuse.

Finally the food arrived. After the long wait for their meals everyone was content to just concentrate on eating for the next few minutes. A ringing cell phone broke this brief silence; it was Ethan's.

Ethan reached into the lapel pocket of his suit and pulled out his Blackberry, at the same time unconsciously spilling linguini all over his lap. Miranda watched all of this and cringed. Ethan, completely unaware that his lap was now covered with pasta, went right ahead and answered his PDA, "Hello, Dr. Ethan Craft cosmetic surgeon to the stars here."

Miranda watched Ethan, trying to pick up a hint of just whom he might be speaking with. Lizzie soon noticed this and began to watch the good doctor herself. Both of their interests perked up when they heard Ethan say, "Oh hi Kate! We were just sort of talking about you. Miranda said something about you being a witch. Is that true? Do you have a broomstick and stuff like that? That would be like so awesome!"

Miranda cringed again. Being married to Dr. Ethan Craft causes one to cringe much more often then the average person cringes.

After apparently listening to Kate's speak for a few moments, Ethan answered with a series of 'okays', 'sures', and 'I guess so's'. When he finally spoke an entire sentence the whole table heard him say, "Sure, Kate, that sounds righteous. I'll meet you at the Digital Bean tomorrow right after school, if it's okay with my mom.. er.. after work I mean, we're not in school anymore are we? But I'll still have to ask my mom first.. er.. my wife I mean. Okay Bye."

Miranda started to turn red again and not from remembering an embarrassing moment in middle school. This time it was from a clear and present anger.

"What did you agree to meet Kate for?!" she asked Ethan furiously. Not giving her husband anytime to reply Miranda continued with her outrage, "You know how I feel about her, how could you possibly agree to meet with her? And for what?!"

Poor Ethan hadn't realized his agreeing to meet Kate would bother Miranda. Poor Ethan didn't realize many things at all. He tried to explain.

"I didn't know it would make you angry if I met with her. I'm really, really, really sorry I upset you, Mrs. Doctor Ethan Craft."

Ethan tried buttering up his wife by using his decades old pet name for her. He really piled it on by leaning his face close to Miranda's and deploying sad puppy dog eyes. Miranda wasn't buying it for a minute.

"Back off mister! Now I asked you a question, what reason could you possibly have to meet with Kate?" And how did she know your cell phone number?!"

Ethan sat up straight again, "Well, I guess she just wants to interview me some more. This morning she said she really liked talking to me and she might want to ask me some more questions, so I gave her my cell number …"

Lizzie interrupted, "Ethan, I warned you not to talk about our case with the media! This morning with Kate was bad enough but at least I was within earshot and could have stopped you if it went too far. If you were to say something that contradicts our position and it gets back to Parker or Angel it might jeopardize our chances. Ethan, this is serious, stay away from Kate!"

Lizzie's warning appeared to sink in with Ethan and also calmed Miranda. Everyone soon went back to their meals, but clearly Kate's call had taken most of the enjoyment out of the gang's lunch.

'

'

(To be continued)


End file.
